The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
he's hot he just has too much baggage, and has really fucking skinny ankles which freaks me out
you aren't having sex with his ankles, As long as knee caps and above are good, i'd go for it
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Randomize
