Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize