My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
