I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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