How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
Randomize
