I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
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