seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
I dont think problem is the right word. Problems arent something you enjoy. Life would be too boring without gambling.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Randomize
