he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
Randomize
