I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
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