I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
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