i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
Randomize
