I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
