the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Randomize
