Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
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