best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
Randomize
