Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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