So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
