theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Randomize