So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
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