Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
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