I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
Randomize
