If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
chicago's viagra triangle is not unlike the bermuda triangle in thatt things just get lost...... planes, ships, dignity, virginity, etc.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
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