Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
