I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Randomize
