If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
