is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
Randomize
