I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
Naked Twister starts at high noon
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
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