Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
Vodka?
Forever.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
Randomize
