Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
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