Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
