hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
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