dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
Randomize
