You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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