Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
