yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
Randomize
