ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
