Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
