oh posh. I need a real boy. To fill my void. This guy has potential. He is a Republican.
***** and i were talking about Republicans today. They are usually the champs of mediocrity but we decided mediocrity is underrated.
omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
Randomize