jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
