i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
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