I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
