ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Randomize
