I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize
