There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
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