yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Randomize