Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
Randomize
