I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
Randomize
