Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
Haga you didnt jbsii whee wu an therer
Party on wayne
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
