we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Randomize