ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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