FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
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