You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
