How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
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