Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Randomize