His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize