If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
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