sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Randomize
