There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
Randomize
