so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
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