Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
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