He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
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