i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
