I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
A letter to the campus apologizing for being sucha cunt with a picture of her head on it. All posted around campus.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
Randomize
