"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
the girl I was having sex with just mumbled victory for msu during sex. i love basketball season
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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